In 1905 a young, barely 19 year old Norwegian boy stepped off of a ship with hundreds of other immigrants to Ellis Island in New York's busy harbor, eyes wide and bright. Born in 1886 to humble surroundings in Arendal Norway, Ole had heard of the freedom and riches of America since he was a young boy, how someone with no family wealth or station had the opportunity to work hard and enjoy the fruit of his labor.
By 1912 Ole had met a Norwegian girl from Arendal named Andora at a local Lutheran church, they married and began a family. Years earlier with the help of other family that had immigrated prior to him, he started work as a carpenter and worked at one of the many shipyards that dotted the harbors of Manhattan and Brooklyn.
My mom is the littlest girl in this picture
By 1926 Ole had several daughters and began building a small cottage in Hopewell Junction New York in the Hudson River Valley area, also know as Fishkill. By now you've figured out that Ole is my grandfather and while I wasn't born until some forty years later in the 1960's, I began enjoying his mountain home soon after I was born. I can only imagine that in his heart and grandma's they longed for the mountain terrain that they had known in Norway, especially during the crowded and hot Brooklyn summers. It's not uncommon even now in Norway for families to have a second small home in the mountains that they visit in the summertime.
Then
My earliest memories begin in the summers with grandpa and grandma and my family. At that time, we used an outhouse for a bathroom and a well for drinking water. In fact, one of the first things grandpa did once he decided to build on this land was to dig for water, as I'm sure was common in that day, since a clean and dependable water source was crucial when considering building a home. Our days were filled with playing in the woods, burning the trash (my favorite chore) and picking fresh berries for grandma to can or to make some delicious pie or pudding.
Now
My family and I recently visited the cottage lovingly updated and beautifully kept by my cousin and his wife. They've raised their children there and are enjoying semi-retirement. I hadn't been there in nearly 20 years and afterward my mind began to wander.
I wondered whether grandpa had ever thought while digging that well that generations to follow would be enjoying his home years later. I wondered if he viewed his life generationally, if they ever comprehended the men and women that would be born through he and grandma. I wondered if he realized that with six daughters he would have eighteen grandchildren and over forty great grandchildren. I suspect they did, since my sister said that once grandma had told her that she had prayed for her grandchildren before they were born. Grandpa and grandma weren't fancy, but rather simple, God-loving Lutherans, he a craftsman carpenter, she a homemaker and before that a cleaning maid for the wealthier women of New York City. Yet, through their simplicity and steadfastness they remained married for over sixty years and produced a legacy of faithfulness to God. Subsequently, through their lives and marriage they passed down to their lineage a devotion to faith and marriage that, has seemed to anchor the 25 plus marriages that were to proceed them. I haven't deciphered exactly what the source of their stability was that flowed from these two, but I have suspected that their Christian faith, a strong community of believers and simple living were significant contributors.
These are some of Ole & Andora's grandchildren and great grandchildren through his 6th and youngest daughter my mom (center).
I stand grateful that I was down stream from these two. I can't begin to recount the many blessings that I enjoy because of what they sowed into their children and grandchildren.
I heard recently that when God wants to make a mushroom he waits 6 hours but when he wants to make a oak tree he waits 60 years. God plus time makes beautiful things.
There are many things we seek to give our children, food, clothing, an education, a home, love and protection from danger to name a few. For dads however, we tend to get more intently focused on providing the money for all of the above needs figuring out how to get ahead in life and working-out the details of funding the family and all their pursuits. But, THE most important thing we can support is the thing which most often gets sacrificed at the alter of the above list - your wife.
Our wives are the heartbeat of the homes, it seems as if the climate of the home has a direct link to their current emotional state. If mom is happy and and enjoying the rhythms of life, then the home is nearly heaven on earth. If mom is distressed about life, family, herself, etc. then everyone is impacted.
Enjoying some rare boating time
Considering this I've written down a few things I feel help my wife stay in rhythm more frequently.
Regular Devotional Time - first things first, lay the big rocks down then the small rocks can fit. Enjoying a regular devotional time (usually in the mornings) is my wife's greatest mental and emotional health treatment. My role in this is to help make this time quiet and peaceful (to the extent possible), making sure the children know they they are only allowed to read and not play while she's in her zone.
Exercise Time - my wife really enjoys having a fitness regime. Clearly this is healthy for her body, but the endorphins released in her body lift her mind also. I help in this by tag-teaming childcare and staying tuned-in if she's off her schedule, helping her get back on track.
Learn Her Love Language - If you want to go to Germany you would likely learn some German. Relationships have a language also and while I'm still figuring this out after 21 years of marriage, I know practicing her language (which I think are "words of affirmation" & "quality time") is important. So I'll simply recommend the book to you, the website is here - 5 Love Languages.
Be Strategic versus Reactive - Your marriage is the greatest investment of time, treasure and talent that you will make in your lifetime. Some guys spend way more time researching the best mutual funds for their money than they will ever spend reading books on marriage or attending a marriage seminar, of course until it's too late.
No doubt, the only way I picked up on most of this is by making big mistakes or learning from others mistakes. No guy ever "arrives" at any of the above, it's a continual journey fraught with setbacks and detours but well it's worth the investment.
Twenty-four or so years ago I noticed this extremely cute girl walking at the campus fitness center - cupid had struck. It took me some time, but within a few weeks I discovered her name and through a conveniently-timed "get your roommate a date" event, I conned my roommate into calling this girl for our double-date.
After a brief introduction at the ice cream machine a few days before, we met for the fateful double-date, December 18th 1985 -- a stop at the hamburger joint and then a movie awaited us. As if God was smiling on us already, He delivered a smooth blanket of snow while we watched our movie. Unknown to me, this gal had never seen snow and she considered this wonderful white gift very romantic - thank God!
Where I come from, marriage is for life. Each of my grandparents were married for 55-60 years. My mom and dad were married for 45 years, until dads early death at 67. Our trade-in culture doesn't help, as even Christians suffer a woefully high divorce rate. This is not a post about how great our marriage is, though it is, or what's wrong with with our culture - clearly much. (While I'm certain that my wife has never considered divorce, she has had some some run-in's with attempted murder!) This is simply a message to my sweet wife to say thanks for saying YES to our second date and for making my life so rich, fun and a thrill to live! No doubt we've been busy (as evidenced by the family picture), but we both believe in "dying tired". I love you Rebecca, thanks for sticking with me for 21 years...only 39 more to go!! Happy Anniversary!
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
While speaking with a friend last night, I realized once again (since I've known this person for years), that they have carried a weight of thinking and fearing for the worst in their lives. As we talked I came to relearn that at a young age she had endured great pain through the loss of a parent and then later the tragic death of her aunt and uncle that she had been very close to.
What dawned on me was that she has carried this fear of loss and tragedy all of her life and had never walked through a process of healing from these wounds. Someone said long ago that we will either live from our wounds or live from the Word (of God) and after 44 years of life, 21 years of marriage, 9 children, the loss of a son and my father I find this statement entirely true. While we can't control every thought that makes it's way into our minds we certainly control the ones that we park on.
This has application with our spouses and friends. No doubt there are negative areas in these relationships, but most of them cannot be cured by our relentless study and rehearsing of them. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up..." I personally don't encourage those around me nearly enough, but once in a while a I wake up and when I do I always feel a warm breeze in my heart.
"Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything"...a section of I Corinthians 13.
About once a year my kids and I catch the original version of Yours, Mine and Ours, we did again over this Thanksgiving holiday. This movie was made in the 60's with Lucy Arnez and Henry Fonda and is based on a true story of two widowers who had large families. Lucy was apparently quite powerful then, her name shows first on the credits and her own studio bought the rights to the movie. She was feeling that people needed a good family movie since at the time there was so much focus on sex in other pictures. It was this movie that paved the way for the success of the Brady Bunch.
There is one scene that for years has resonated with me and always makes a strange lump appear in my throat when it arrives. If you haven't seen it here's the set-up. Both of these parents of large families are widowed and decide to marry. They conceive a baby together and on the night of the baby's arrival Mr. Beardsley is awakened. As he hurrily prepares to take Mrs. Beardsley to the hospital to deliver the baby he finds his teenage daughters' boyfriend fist-fighting with his teenage son. Apparently the boyfriend was mocking Beardsley's daughter because she wouldn't do whatever he was wanting late that night and he was frustrated, thinking her a prude. Now enjoy the scene and his talk about what love really is...
Yours, Mine & Ours Scene...
I've often questioned myself, based on I Corinthians and the above clip, if I even loved my wife when we first got married. Since what I now understand to be real love, is nothing close what I understood 20 1/2 years ago.
What I have come to understand just a little, is; that to really love we must accept the paradox, "die to live".
Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. (Luke 9:23 NIV) "Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church - a love marked by giving, not getting". (Ephesians 5:25 The Message)
I wondered whether grandpa had ever thought while digging that well that generations to follow would be enjoying his home years later. I wondered if he viewed his life generationally, if they ever comprehended the men and women that would be born through he and grandma. I wondered if he realized that with six daughters he would have eighteen grandchildren and over forty great grandchildren. I suspect they did, since my sister said that once grandma had told her that she had prayed for her grandchildren before they were born. Grandpa and grandma weren't fancy, but rather simple, God-loving Lutherans, he a craftsman carpenter, she a homemaker and before that a cleaning maid for the wealthier women of New York City. Yet, through their simplicity and steadfastness they remained married for over sixty years and produced a legacy of faithfulness to God. Subsequently, through their lives and marriage they passed down to their lineage a devotion to faith and marriage that, has seemed to anchor the 25 plus marriages that were to proceed them. I haven't deciphered exactly what the source of their stability was that flowed from these two, but I have suspected that their Christian faith, a strong community of believers and simple living were significant contributors. 
