Passage - Calling Young Men to Manhood

Christian & Ben

The last month two of my son's have had significant milestones that we've enjoyed memorializing in special ways.

First, my second son Ben graduated from High School in late May.  We began planning a home party and barbecue but he grew uncomfortable with that idea and instead asked for a small dinner with some men  and young guys that have been a part of his life.  I organized this group of men and I asked them to consider bringing advice and wisdom for Ben.  We gathered at a nice resturant and began to enjoy a meal.  While we ate, many of the older guys shared stories from their college days, usually highlighting something they would have done differently or a fun memory.

my older sons

I spoke about Christian and then I spoke to him

My third son Christian turned 13 in April and I organized a camping trip to Hanging Rock State Park in June.  There were a few other sons of dads who were turning 13 or 14 so we invited about 6 other families along. At this ceremony, held the second night, I shared with Christian three things; Why I love him, Why I'm proud of him and Why I know he has what it takes to be a man.  It's important for a boy (and a man) to have these life-long questions settled in his heart and it's such a blessing to hear them from the most important man in your life, dad.  It's been my tradition to plan a special passage ceremony for my son's at the ages of 13, 18 and prior to their wedding week (though none have made it that far yet).  Also, around the age of 15, I take my sons to an incredibly special father-son, week long adventure in Jackson Hole Wyoming called Christ in the Tetons.

These moments of calling my sons up to manhood have been some of the most precious moments of my life.  The older ones have gone from being my little buddies, then crazy teenagers and now, so gratefully, my close friends and allies.  All of us too often simply let life happen without recognizing the transitions that are happening around us, like a boy becoming a man.  While I still make huge mistakes with my young men and am still learning much, I encourage you to be intentional and strategic during this time in your sons life.

p.s. for those who are real adventurous or who live "down under", checkout my good friend's organization Fathering Adventures in Australia.

p.s.s. also a great resource in understanding the boyhood to manhood journey is Robert Lewis' classic book Raising a Modern Day Knight

The Top 5 Things My Dad Did Right

In our hyper-self-centered world the focus on our childhood's can often be on what we would have done differently or what we lacked growing-up.  No doubt, there's been some pretty bad stories I've heard about fathers, but I'd like to focus this post on the top things my dad did well in raising his 5 children.

dad & me

5. He married-up! Mom was and is beautiful and talented.  A wonderful pianist, servant-doer and administrator.  Versus the typical husband and wife roles, he might have been more heart and her a little more head, because without her little would have gotten done.  Yet, in my view they truly complemented each other.  It also was a gift, given today's environment, that they stayed married.

4. Despite working for decades in the rough and tumble world of the NYC construction trade, he was a lover. There was no natural reason he should have been the kind of man he was, he took alot of guff growing up in NYC his entire life.  Yet, he loved people and was a natural encourager.

3. He initiated spiritual discussions. He was famous for opening a talk with 'isn't it amazing...' and then would go on about some quality about God or being a Christian.

2. He prayed for us. I remember him putting me to bed nearly every night. Telling me stories and intimately praying with and for me.  None of that "now I lay me down to sleep" stuff for him, he prayed from his heart. Many times also I remember his heavy tradesman's hand on my forehead praying for me early in the morning before he left for work.

1. The best thing my dad did that made him a great dad was, he lived for God.  He wasn't perfect - far from it (like me!). Yet, despite his faults, his heart beat for serving Christ. He loved the bible, serving others and leading others in song. All of his children have similar hearts.

"Poppy" 20 years ago with grand daughter Lynea"

 Reflecting on my list, you don't see anything having to do with houses, car's or paying for private school or high-end colleges, often things that dads are prone to obesses over.  A good reminder that a successful dad is not required to be winner on the corporate ladder.

Thanks for being a good dad. Thanks for encouraging a dad. Thanks for raising good, future dads.


For a little more on my dad and mom's story see my post called Home.

How Mom Can Make Her Husband A Better Dad

I was thinking today of a few ways that my wife has helped me be a better dad. While not an exhaustive list of all the things she's done to help me, here are a few thoughts;

1. We pray for the children each day during our prayer time.  This has evolved over 20+ years of marriage, but my wife doesn't guilt me if we don't pray on a particular day, she simply makes herself available and encourages me.
2. Give dad good books to read with your kids during bed time.  Many times my wife will give us a good book or series to read such as "Little House".  Bed time can be such a valuable time for a dad to reconnect with his children through reading and other bedtime rituals (praying, singing, hugging, back scratching, etc.)
3. Don't over-burden your husband when he first comes home with whatever is broken, bills that have arrived, etc.  Give him space and an opportunity to connect with you and the kids on a personal level before adding to his "ever-growing, never ending to-do list". 
4. Defer to and show respect to dad in front of your kids.  After we go out to eat or ice cream or coming home from vacation, my wife will often say to our children in a fun way,... "Let's say thanks to daddy!, he worked hard to get this for us".  While I certainly am not looking for thanks (cause I love to provide for my family), this touches me down deep and teaches our kids to appreciate the things we enjoy.
5. Help your husband with his schedule.  My wife is good about communicating to me about our family schedule, sports matches, recitals, etc. this helps me be strategic with my time and get to the events that will be more important to my kids.
6. Pray for your husband to be the father God wants him to be be.  This method is far more productive than any brow-beating will ever yield.  Some men are not naturally relational and it can take time for God's to soften a guys heart toward his kids.  My wife uses "The Power of a Praying Wife" to pray for me daily.
7. Notice when your husband does fathering well.  Tell him how good it was that he did or said something, encourage (put courage into) him.  When he hears your affirmation (a few hugs wouldn't hurt either at this point) it will all come together for him.

Mom's, you're critical to the practical care and emotional nourishment of your children, but dad's define and his time and words bring weight and wings to a child's life that no other person's can.

What other ways can mom's help dad's become better fathers?

A Dad's Song

I've heard this song several times, but it wasn't until today that the words resonated with me with deeper clarity than before.  Dad's face different issues than mom's and this tune speaks to them honestly and authentically, challenging us to focus our lives on what matters most.  With all that husband's and dad's need to get done, the pressure, distraction and "tyranny of the urgent" can easily spin us.  Additionally, the lure for success and recognition runs deep in most men; for some it comes from a vacancy deep inside that they (falsely) believe achievement will satisfy.  Alot more can be said here, but for now I'll let the song communicate the message.