Passage - Calling Young Men to Manhood

Christian & Ben

The last month two of my son's have had significant milestones that we've enjoyed memorializing in special ways.

First, my second son Ben graduated from High School in late May.  We began planning a home party and barbecue but he grew uncomfortable with that idea and instead asked for a small dinner with some men  and young guys that have been a part of his life.  I organized this group of men and I asked them to consider bringing advice and wisdom for Ben.  We gathered at a nice resturant and began to enjoy a meal.  While we ate, many of the older guys shared stories from their college days, usually highlighting something they would have done differently or a fun memory.

my older sons

I spoke about Christian and then I spoke to him

My third son Christian turned 13 in April and I organized a camping trip to Hanging Rock State Park in June.  There were a few other sons of dads who were turning 13 or 14 so we invited about 6 other families along. At this ceremony, held the second night, I shared with Christian three things; Why I love him, Why I'm proud of him and Why I know he has what it takes to be a man.  It's important for a boy (and a man) to have these life-long questions settled in his heart and it's such a blessing to hear them from the most important man in your life, dad.  It's been my tradition to plan a special passage ceremony for my son's at the ages of 13, 18 and prior to their wedding week (though none have made it that far yet).  Also, around the age of 15, I take my sons to an incredibly special father-son, week long adventure in Jackson Hole Wyoming called Christ in the Tetons.

These moments of calling my sons up to manhood have been some of the most precious moments of my life.  The older ones have gone from being my little buddies, then crazy teenagers and now, so gratefully, my close friends and allies.  All of us too often simply let life happen without recognizing the transitions that are happening around us, like a boy becoming a man.  While I still make huge mistakes with my young men and am still learning much, I encourage you to be intentional and strategic during this time in your sons life.

p.s. for those who are real adventurous or who live "down under", checkout my good friend's organization Fathering Adventures in Australia.

p.s.s. also a great resource in understanding the boyhood to manhood journey is Robert Lewis' classic book Raising a Modern Day Knight

The Best Gift Dad Can Give His Child

There are many things we seek to give our children, food, clothing, an education, a home, love and protection from danger to name a few.  For dads however, we tend to get more intently focused on providing the money for all of the above needs figuring out how to get ahead in life and working-out the details of funding the family and all their pursuits.  But, THE most important thing we can support is the thing which most often gets sacrificed at the alter of the above list - your wife.

Our wives are the heartbeat of the homes, it seems as if the climate of the home has a direct link to their current emotional state.  If mom is happy and and enjoying the rhythms of life, then the home is nearly heaven on earth.  If mom is distressed about life, family, herself, etc. then everyone is impacted. 



Enjoying some rare boating time

 Considering this I've written down a few things I feel help my wife stay in rhythm more frequently.

Regular Devotional Time - first things first, lay the big rocks down then the small rocks can fit.  Enjoying a regular devotional time (usually in the mornings) is my wife's greatest mental and emotional health treatment.  My role in this is to help make this time quiet and peaceful (to the extent possible), making sure the children know they they are only allowed to read and not play while she's in her zone.

Exercise Time - my wife really enjoys having a fitness regime.  Clearly this is healthy for her body, but the endorphins released in her body lift her mind also.  I help in this by tag-teaming childcare and staying tuned-in if she's off her schedule, helping her get back on track.

Learn Her Love Language - If you want to go to Germany you would likely learn some German.  Relationships have a language also and while I'm still figuring this out after 21 years of marriage, I know practicing her language (which I think are "words of affirmation" & "quality time") is important.  So I'll simply recommend the book to you, the website is here - 5 Love Languages.

Be Strategic versus Reactive - Your marriage is the greatest investment of time, treasure and talent that you will make in your lifetime.  Some guys spend way more time researching the best mutual funds for their money than they will ever spend reading books on marriage or attending a marriage seminar, of course until it's too late. 

No doubt, the only way I picked up on most of this is by making big mistakes or learning from others mistakes.  No guy ever "arrives" at any of the above, it's a continual journey fraught with setbacks and detours but well it's worth the investment. 

Add your thoughts below...

The Top 5 Things My Dad Did Right

In our hyper-self-centered world the focus on our childhood's can often be on what we would have done differently or what we lacked growing-up.  No doubt, there's been some pretty bad stories I've heard about fathers, but I'd like to focus this post on the top things my dad did well in raising his 5 children.

dad & me

5. He married-up! Mom was and is beautiful and talented.  A wonderful pianist, servant-doer and administrator.  Versus the typical husband and wife roles, he might have been more heart and her a little more head, because without her little would have gotten done.  Yet, in my view they truly complemented each other.  It also was a gift, given today's environment, that they stayed married.

4. Despite working for decades in the rough and tumble world of the NYC construction trade, he was a lover. There was no natural reason he should have been the kind of man he was, he took alot of guff growing up in NYC his entire life.  Yet, he loved people and was a natural encourager.

3. He initiated spiritual discussions. He was famous for opening a talk with 'isn't it amazing...' and then would go on about some quality about God or being a Christian.

2. He prayed for us. I remember him putting me to bed nearly every night. Telling me stories and intimately praying with and for me.  None of that "now I lay me down to sleep" stuff for him, he prayed from his heart. Many times also I remember his heavy tradesman's hand on my forehead praying for me early in the morning before he left for work.

1. The best thing my dad did that made him a great dad was, he lived for God.  He wasn't perfect - far from it (like me!). Yet, despite his faults, his heart beat for serving Christ. He loved the bible, serving others and leading others in song. All of his children have similar hearts.

"Poppy" 20 years ago with grand daughter Lynea"

 Reflecting on my list, you don't see anything having to do with houses, car's or paying for private school or high-end colleges, often things that dads are prone to obesses over.  A good reminder that a successful dad is not required to be winner on the corporate ladder.

Thanks for being a good dad. Thanks for encouraging a dad. Thanks for raising good, future dads.


For a little more on my dad and mom's story see my post called Home.

Never Go Alone

One of my sweetie's at Home Depot

People often ask me "how do you have time to spend quality time with each child?"  While I don't have a complete answer for this post, one motto I use is, "never go alone".  I work out of the home and travel at times, therefore home-time is very important to me.  No doubt there are constant needs, work to be done, things to fix.  But I've found that the moments that are uniquely special are when I'm working on projects around the house and I find a way have some of the children help me.  While having some "helpers" can suddenly make a one-hour project twice as long, there is so much exchanged with your child when they "do it with you or go with you".

Dad enlarging the house, circa 1973

Some of my fondest memories is doing stuff with my dad.  He was the ultimate handyman around the house and, unlike me, could do virtually anything; carpentry, plumbing, tile work, etc.  So when I need to head to Home Depot or make a quick trip I always try to take a child (or two or three).  Yes, it can be frustrating if you're the kind of person like me who likes to just get things checked-off the list quickly.  But if you think a little more strategically you can check things off and father your child's heart.  While not a complete list, here's a few things that can be accomplished "along the way".

1) You can talk about the business your visiting and how it makes money.
2) You can explain the tools you're using and give them some hands-on experiences.
3) You can talk about the people who work at the business.
4) You can demonstrate to them that whatever you're doing, you can have the joy of the Lord, even if a project gets frustrating or doesn't go the way you planned.

Time for Mums

So my encouragement is; never go alone.

Thanks for visiting.

A Dad's Song

I've heard this song several times, but it wasn't until today that the words resonated with me with deeper clarity than before.  Dad's face different issues than mom's and this tune speaks to them honestly and authentically, challenging us to focus our lives on what matters most.  With all that husband's and dad's need to get done, the pressure, distraction and "tyranny of the urgent" can easily spin us.  Additionally, the lure for success and recognition runs deep in most men; for some it comes from a vacancy deep inside that they (falsely) believe achievement will satisfy.  Alot more can be said here, but for now I'll let the song communicate the message.